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Who Said It’s Hard to Keep Your New Year’s Resolutions? – H. Lovelyn Bettison
If you’re anything like me The New Year’s Resolutions you made have already gone totally off the rails. That’s okay. Do you know anyone who keeps their New Year’s Resolutions anyway? Self-improvement...
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Five Guys You Shouldn’t Date – Mallory Schlossberg
I’ve dated a lot of men, and I am fairly certain that I now know the five guys you should not date. These are not the types your momma warned you about. In fact, even your best girlfriends might not...
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The Loss of 30 Rock ~ Ginny Leise
Last night I began a conversation with a co-worker with one the most reliable moves in my chatting repertoire. “So…Do you watch 30 Rock?” “Actually, I just started watching it recently,” she replied....
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Héléne Bouffant’s Valentine’s Fashion Advice
Bonjour, my little pin cushions! It is February – the month of amour! I hope you all have someone to love or tolerate for the sake of the children during this month of passion. For this month’s column,...
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New Approved Drugs for The Perimenopausal ~ Elizabeth Bastos
The names of the drugs for birth control for women make me want to hurl with their fake happy Disney princessy-ness like names, “Yazmin” or the gettin’ down to business-ness names like “Lo Lo Errin.”...
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How I’m Filling That 30 Rock Void ~ Ginny Leise
Now that 30 Rock is over, I’m hunting for a replacement show to fill the void. TV, as a whole, is in great shape right now. There are so many great shows out there it’s a struggle to keep up with...
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Memories of my America – Of Liberace and The Hope Diamond
Colombians are prone to embellishment, to taking a story and making it even grander. It was Gabriel Marquez, the famed Colombian novelist, who proclaimed, “To Colombians, life is a stage.” My mother...
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DON’T CLICK SEND!: The 5 Worst Dating Message Mistakes – Mallory Schlossberg
I’m a big proponent of the Internet dating scene. Why? You can talk to the opposite sex while looking at animated GIFs, you don’t have to see the guy’s “I’m-rejecting-you-face” when he rejects you,...
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You Poor, Stupid, Sad, Fat Girl by Adrianne Frost
In the movies and on television, fat girls have it pretty bad. Frankly, fat girls are fucked. End of story. I personally have died twice, as a poor, stupid, sad, fat girl. The first time I died, it...
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Spring Fashion by Héléne Bouffant
Bounjour, my little pullets (those are baby hens, and they are fabulous with a little sage!) Welcome to the April edition of my fashion column here at Funny Not Slutty! I love April, because it means...
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Fashion Tips for Broke Girls – Ginny Leise
Us broke girls take a certain pride in being low-maintenance. Go all winter gaff taping your boots together? No big deal. Pairing a mealy t-shirt with a mini you outgrew years ago? That’s Saturday....
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Poor Girls Morning Routine Part 1 – Mirra Laes
No car insurance? Oh well. No food money? As long as there’s still cheese in the fridge we’re fine. Run out of eyeliner and foundation? We have now entered a LEVEL 10 SPECIAL ALERT PANIC ZONE. Let...
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Game of Kardashians. It could happen.
The third season of Game of Thrones is over and I’m feeling down. You too? Or are you happy you don’t have to listen to all this “Mother of Dragons” crap at work anymore when you’d rather talk about...
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What to wear this summer when sitting by the pool and making sure the...
Hello my little seal skins! Welcome to summer! I don’t know about you because I make it a rule not to speak to the public, but I cannot wait for swimsuit season. Yes, Héléne Bouffant loves to wear the...
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Poor Girls Morning Routine Part 2 – Mirra Laes
Continued from Part 1 Face washed: meh. SPF lotion on: maybe. Unibrow deconstruction attempt: Ugh. Okay, now I’m ready for makeup. The first makeup item is foundation, I don’t use that primer crap...
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What To Get Married In by World-Renowned Fashion Stylist Héléne Bouffant
Hello, my pasty pork chops! Welcome to summer; a season of glistening bodies and unusual smells. A season where pale, frightened body parts are finally exposed to sunlight. There is a sense of...
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Commando ~ Song by Linda Roy
Commando by: Linda Roy Music by: ABBA Lyrics by: Linda Roy From the Urban Dictionary: Commando: Not wearing any underpants. “I’m goin’ commando today!” This is a delicate subject. It’s a little bit...
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Sole Provisions FunnynotSlutty.com Short Short Essay Contest
Why should you enter the Sole Provisions FunnynotSlutty.com Short Short Essay Contest?!? You could win a pair of Fitflops OR Orthaheel SHOES from Sole Provisions. Your entry could be featured with...
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THE TRAVESTY OF JUSTICE…store.
Warning: staring directly at apparel may cause permanent damage to corneas. My daughter is now eight, so I’m happy to report that I’m done with globe-headed Caillou, that whiny little fuck, and...
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Announcing Sole Provisions Short Essay Contest Winners!
1st Prize – Lovelyn of Nebulous Mooch Lovelyn wins a pair of Fitflops OR Orthaheel SHOES from Sole Provisions! 2 Runners Up – John “Cork” Corcoran (most creative) and K A B L O O E Y (funniest...
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